Family Ties
by Wyolake
Summary: These are a collection of short snapshots of spacer fem!Shep's interaction with her parents during ME 1, ME 2 and pre-ME 3.  Please review, as I would love input and ideas.
1. Confession

**Family Ties**

A/N: These are a collection of short snapshots of spacer Shepard's interaction with her parents during ME 1, ME 2 and pre-ME 3.

Please review and tell me what you think and let me know if I missed something.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1 - Confession<strong>

Lieutenant Commander Deidre Shepard sat in the mess and pushed her half-eaten food around her plate as she listened to her tablemates banter back and forth. Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams and Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau were discussing the various meanings and uses of the word sarcasm. Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko was providing occasional assistance to their alien crewmember, Garrus Vakarian, so the Turian could follow the twisting conversation.

With a sudden rush of restless energy Shepard rose from the table to empty her tray and put it on the stack to be washed.

"Something wrong, Shep?" Ashley asked, as everyone at the table looked at Shepard.

"Just thinking about our next moves, Chief," Shepard said in an easy tone and put a small smile on for effect. She carefully kept her eyes on everyone at the table and kept Kaidan in view only as part of the group. She wanted desperately to look into his whiskey colored eyes and let the compassion they always held wash over her.

"Ah…need any assistance, Commander?" Kaidan asked in his soft, hesitant voice. Shepard loved the sound of his voice. As her second officer and the ranking officer of the ground team she could legitimately accept his offer, but she wasn't thinking about the mission and being behind closed doors with him wouldn't help her fight off her infatuation with the capable Lieutenant.

She made sure her smile didn't change in the slightest as she looked toward Kaidan. "No thanks, Kaidan. I need to mull it over a bit more before we discuss actual plans." She kept her eyes trained on Kaidan's shoulder and not his face. She started to move away when another thought occurred to her.

"Kaidan, would you make sure Liara gets something to eat? She hasn't left her room since we returned from Noveria," Shepard said without looking at the Lieutenant.

"Of course, Commander," came his soft reply. Shepard wasn't sure how the Asari culture felt about parents, but the relatively young Liara T'Soni had been there when they were forced to kill her mother and, although Liara said she was fine, Shepard was a little concerned for her.

The conversation resumed at the table as she left the mess, but she could feel Kaidan's eyes following her until she turned the corner. She stopped in front of the elevator and let out a huge sigh. As the Commanding Officer of the Normandy it was utterly inappropriate for her to be so…infatuated with a subordinate as she was with Kaidan.

With sudden conviction Shepard turned away from the elevator and quickly climbed the steps to the CIC. She strode through the door and took a sharp turn to the right and went into the communication room. She quickly sat at the terminal and entered in the destination for the call and sat back to wait for it to connect.

Within a few moments the view screen showed an older woman with graying brown hair and shrewd hazel eyes. "Commander Shepard," the woman said in surprise when her view screen showed who had called.

"Captain," Deidre said with appropriate military bearing. "I called to talk to my mother. When does her shift get over?"

Captain Hannah Shepard regarded her daughter with a measuring look. "In three hours. Is something wrong?"

"Not really," Deidre said with a sigh. "I just wanted to talk, Ma'am."

"Alright. I'll call you when I get off shift, Commander," Hannah said with her usual crisp efficiency.

Deidre shut down the terminal and wearily rubbed her forehead. Her relationship with her mother had never been as close as the one she enjoyed with her father. Deidre knew her mother loved her, but Hannah Shepard never seemed to take off her rank. Even when Deidre had been very little her mother always kept a stiff, military attitude when dealing with her husband and child.

Deidre wasn't even sure why she had decided to call her mother. Perhaps it was the brief moments when Benezia had broken the hold Saren held on her and had spoken those sad last words to her daughter. Telling her she was proud of Liara and all she had accomplished. The reprieve was over all too soon and the brainwashing – "indoctrination" – had taken her over again. Benezia's voice became hard and she had raised her arm to send another biotic barrage at them. Shepard had quickly raised her weapon and a single shot through Benezia's forehead ended the threat. All in front of her daughter.

With a heavy sigh Shepard left the room and walked up to the cockpit. Joker was back in his seat already and greeted her without even turning around to see who had entered his sanctum.

"I'm expecting a call from the Orizaba at 2130," Shepard said without preamble as she walked up to stand beside his chair, her eyes looking out at the rushing specks of starlight in the inky blackness.

Joker turned to look at her from under the bill of his cap. "Your mom?" he asked in amazement.

Shepard suppressed a sigh and gave him a stern look. "Yes. My mother. Please patch it through to my private terminal when it comes in." At his silent nod Shepard turned to leave.

"You have a mother?" he asked in mock disbelief. Shepard leveled a scathing look at the pilot, but didn't deign to answer. Joker ducked his head slightly and went back to his controls. Shepard took a few steps before turning around.

"And, Joker?" she said and waited until he turned his chair and looked at her. "I expect it to be _private_," she said in a hard tone.

"Aye, aye, Ma'am," Joker said seriously.

Shepard turned away satisfied. As sarcastic and insubordinate as the pilot usually was he also knew when it was time to shut up and follow orders.

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><p>Shepard was sitting at her terminal waiting when Joker called to inform her he was patching through a call from the Orizaba. A quick glance at the clock showed it was 2130 on the nose. Military punctuality, as always.<p>

"Deidre," Hannah Shepard said as the view came up. She gave her daughter a tight smile. "I received your last letter. It sounds like you have quite an interesting crew. A regular flying embassy with all the aliens you have picked up."

Deidre gave a slight smile. "They are a good crew. Possibly the best I've ever worked with." She fidgeted a bit and rubbed her forehead. The best avenue with her mother was to be absolutely straightforward. Hannah Shepard would see through – and tear through – any prevarication or small-talk.

Deidre gave a sigh and looked the older woman in the eyes. "I really need to talk to you as my mother. Can we have this conversation off the record and without rank or status?"

Hannah looked at Deidre for a long moment before finally nodding slowly and pushed some buttons on her console. Hannah carefully removed her blues jacket and placed it over the back of the chair before looking back up at her daughter's image. "Alright, Deidre, what did you want to talk about?"

Deidre rubbed her forehead and shook her head. She suddenly wondered why she had chosen to call her mother instead of her father. Of the two of them her mother was the least likely to treat Deidre's current predicament with any empathy. But Deidre really needed a woman to talk to and couldn't talk to anyone on the crew.

"I…ah…need some advice – well not advice really," Deidre paused to get a grip on how to talk to her mother. Asking her mother for advice was like asking a shotgun to shoot only one pellet.

With a deep sigh Deidre dropped her gaze from her mother's stern hazel eyes and started again. "There's a guy I like and I'm trying to figure out what to do." She stole a quick glance at her mother's face and was surprised to see a smile and a look of eagerness on the normally reserved woman.

"A guy?" Hannah said. "Tell me about him." Hannah leaned forward eagerly.

A huge smile came over Deidre's face as she thought of Kaidan. "He's smart, so very good at tech. He's a biotic and he has the most beautiful whiskey-brown eyes. He's shy and sensitive." She gave a sigh as she saw the slight grin he would give her sometimes when they talked. "We've never even held hands, but I just can't get enough of him. His voice…I can't describe his voice. Husky and soft."

Deidre lost herself in the description. It felt so good to finally be able to say these things out loud. To finally give voice to the feelings she had been fighting for weeks. "And he's an incredible Marine. Controlled and alert and when we're on a mission it's as if he can read my mind. I never have to worry because he always has my back. We work so well together – "

"Deidre Nicole!" Hannah Shepard barked the name with the tone of icy command. Deidre instantly fell silent and looked at her mother sheepishly. Hannah leaned in closer to the terminal and speared her daughter with a look of parental shock. "Are you saying he is a member of your _crew_?" she hissed at the screen.

Deidre couldn't help her self as she withered under that glare like a child. She nodded sheepishly.

"Oh! My! God!" Hannah said in increasingly higher tones. "What the hell is the matter with you? You could lose your Command over this, or get kicked out of the military! Stop this at once!"

"How?" Deidre asked her mother miserably.

"Just…stop it. Don't think about him as anything other than a member of your crew," Hannah said with authority.

Deidre threw herself back in the chair and waved her arms out in frustration. "Don't you think I've tried? I know the rules and I know it's wrong. I can't seem to help it. The more I talk to him the more I crave to hear him, see him."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this," Hannah muttered. "You shouldn't be telling me this. I am supposed to report any knowledge of fraternization."

"Captain Shepard is supposed to report fraternization, but I hoped I could talk to my _mother_. I really need a mother right now, not a superior officer!" Deidre shouted at her and Hannah looked stunned.

Hannah gave a deep sigh and ran a hand through her hair. "He sounds like a very unique young man," she said carefully after a long pause. "You said he's a biotic? Does this mystery man feel the same way about you?" Hannah asked.

Deidre ducked her eyes for a moment and then met her mother's softened gaze. "Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko," Deidre supplied. "Yes, although we agreed not to do anything in deference of the regulations and the crew. We don't want to jeopardize unit cohesion. Our mission is too dangerous and too important, we know that."

Deidre looked at her mother miserably. "What do I do?" Hannah looked at her daughter with an expression of sympathy. Deidre's mouth nearly fell open. She had never seen such a warm and human expression on her mother's face.

"You have to fight it and keep it hidden, as hard as that will be to do," Hannah said softly. "Put it off until you are given separate assignments, then you can legally pursue the relationship. You can inform HQ if it becomes…serious and be given assignments that will take your relationship into consideration."

"Is that what you and dad did?" Deidre asked quietly.

Hannah smiled a full, heart-felt smile at the mention of her husband. "Lyndon and I met at a symposium and we began corresponding. We didn't actually meet in person for six months, but the instant we did he kissed me and it was…right. He asked me to marry him right then and there."

"Thanks, mom," Deidre said with a sad smile. "I really needed to get this off my chest. I'll follow your advice."

"I'm happy you have finally found someone who is special to you. You were always such a loner as a child. I wish it were under better circumstances." Hannah gave a sad sigh. "I hope to get to meet him when your mission is over."

"He's a wonderful man. I think you'll like him," Deidre said with a smile.

"I don't know how I'm going to tell your father about this," Hannah said with a frown. "He won't like the idea of some unknown man stealing his little girl."

"Gah, mom!" Deidre said in exasperation. "You don't have to tell dad. This was our talk."

Hannah smiled at Deidre like she was a child who didn't get the point. "I don't keep secrets from your father and he'd be hurt if we didn't tell him."

"I know, but I'm afraid he'll drag Kaidan in for interrogation and we haven't even done anything yet."

Hannah gave a small laugh. "That's the price of having a father who is in military intelligence. It was good to talk to you, Deidre. Please don't wait so long to contact me next time."

"I won't mom. Have a good night." They severed the connection and Shepard sat there for a long time thinking about what her mom had said.

Hannah hadn't told her anything she hadn't told herself, but she felt better for hearing it from someone else. She told herself she would ignore her feelings for Kaidan and focus on the mission.

Shepard stood up and stretched as she looked at the clock. With a groan she saw it was 2215 and they were due to arrive at Virmire at 0700 with the ground team departing at 0800. She had better get to sleep so she would be clear headed for the mission. Hopefully, they would find the Salarian team without incident and get the information that had been garbled in the communication. It really shouldn't be too taxing of a mission, certainly nothing to rival what they had already been through.

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><p>AN: I've made a couple of small changes to this chapter. Please review and let me know what you think. I have a few chapters planned for this story going through at least Shepard's trial.


	2. Antlers

**Family Ties Ch 2: The Horns**

Shepard walked confidently into the cockpit to watch as they approached Casbin. "How we doing, Joker?" she asked the pilot.

"So far, so good, Commander," Joker said with a sideways glance. "We should reach Casbin in about twenty minutes."

Shepard nodded and watched the stars streak by outside the cockpit window.

"Did you check your messages this morning, Commander?" Joker asked a little hesitantly.

"I checked them last night," came her airy reply.

"Uh, well…a message came in this morning that was a little odd," Joker said.

"Odd how?" Shepard asked as she looked at him. It wasn't unusual for Joker to look at the headers of incoming mail to alert her if something came in marked urgent or from Alliance HQ.

"It was encrypted, but didn't have any obvious headers. I think it was official, but there was no sender info," Joker stared at her and Shepard could tell he was dying of curiosity.

"I guess I have time to take a look before we get to Casbin," Shepard said and sat at the co-pilot position and opened her mail. The message in question did look a little odd, but Shepard quickly opened it.

_Hello darling,_

_I heard you received command of the Normandy. Congratulations, sweetheart! It may not have happened the way you would have liked, but I'm sure you'll do just fine. Your mother and I are so proud of you._

_Speaking of your mother, I spoke with her a few moments ago and she brought me up to speed. I won't go into great detail in this letter – I'd rather we have a chance to talk in person. However, I would like to remind you of the horns and ask that you think very carefully about any choices you are considering. I'd hate to see you get hurt._

_I love you,_

_Dad_

Shepard groaned and scrubbed a hand over her face. After all these years and he still brought up the damned horns whenever he thought she was making a bad decision.

"Bad news, Commander?" Joker asked quietly.

"No. Just not what I wanted to read right now. I'd better head down to the shuttle bay." Shepard got up and left the cockpit. She shook her head as she thought about what her dad was saying to her. When she was five they had gone to Earth to visit her grandfather. He lived in Virginia and had been an avid hunter in his younger days. On the wall of his workshop there was a set of Pronghorn Antelope horns. They were hundreds of years old and had been passed down to her grandfather. The set of horns weren't very big, but the tips had turned ivory and her ancestor had had them mounted.

Shepard had climbed up on a tool chest and was touching the horn. Both her grandfather and her father told she should leave it alone, but she ignored them.

Shepard ran her fingers along the length of them reveling in the discovery that they weren't entirely smooth, but pebbly in areas. She followed their grain in fascination. How big was the animal they came from? How had they formed ivory like that? She was mesmerized.

The two men talked quietly behind her as she tried to lift the mount off the wall. It was heavier than she thought and it had crashed down on her causing her to fall backward. She ended up flat on her back on the floor with a cut on her foot from the horns. The horns that now lay broken beside her. Her father had scooped her up and wiped her tears. "You need to learn when to leave something alone, Dei. If you don't, you'll end up getting hurt and causing others pain, too." Her grandfather put on a kind face, but Deidre could tell he was heartbroken at the loss of the heirloom, and she still felt horrible for doing that to him.

This was a clear warning of what her father thought of her infatuation with Kaidan and Shepard knew he was right. It was what she had been telling herself since she met the Lieutenant. _Walk away and leave him alone or you'll regret it. _

Shepard gave a long sigh as she entered the shuttle bay. She knew what she should do, but just like with the horns she was fascinated and couldn't seem to help herself. Squaring her shoulders she promised herself that she would be smart and make sure there were no negative implications for either her or Kaidan from her infatuation.


	3. Overt Encounter

**Ch 3: Family Ties**

He slipped into the auditorium and carefully made his way along the edge until he reached a spot where he could see the stage. A few people looked at him absently as he moved, but their attention didn't linger. There was nothing remarkable about his appearance. He was just another Alliance soldier in fatigues and he would be forgotten as soon as their attention moved elsewhere.

The Asari councilor was just finishing up her speech. He gave a quick half-grin at his good timing. There was nothing worse than having to listen to a bunch of speeches. Well – it was actually worse when you had to stand on the stage and listen to a bunch of speeches. The big screen above the stage showed the camera move from its close up of the councilor and pan over the group of people standing stiffly on the stage.

Shepard's arm was still in a sling, but she stood straight and tall in her Alliance Dress Blues. He considered the group in wonder. This was the first time that aliens had been on an Alliance vessel and assisted with a mission. There were concerns that the aliens had undue influence on Shepard and her decisions. There were also a few who thought the Commander might be closer to this rag-tag crew than was normal. Perhaps the Commander could be influenced through those at her side on the stage.

Shepard was given the Palladium Star and the audience applauded and cheered. She accepted the congratulations from the councilors gracefully. She returned the salutes of Captain Anderson and Admiral Hackett crisply. She grinned a little as Anderson hugged her. As he watched, he realized that Anderson had a strong attachment to Shepard. Hell, the man had practically groomed her from the time she entered the service.

All three councilors moved to the end of the group and placed a medal over the neck of the Turian. Garrus Vakarian, the man remembered from the reports. The man wondered briefly what had propelled a C-Sec officer to abandon his duties to follow an Alliance officer. From all reports the Turian had been a stalwart supporter of Lt. Commander Shepard and had been instrumental in helping fighting the Geth and Saren. He let his gaze leave the widescreen and looked at the woman on stage. Lt. Commander Shepard stood straight and tall as she watched the councilors give Garrus his medal. It was difficult to make out the subtleties of her expression from this distance, but he thought she might have a small grin pulling at the corner of her mouth.

Councilor Udina, Admiral Hackett and Captain Anderson followed behind the Citadel Council and congratulated the Turian. Garrus spoke quietly with them and accepted the handshakes. It appeared the Turian's chest was puffed out even more than normal. It had been his experience that Turian's always had their chests puffed out.

The Asari – what was her name? Liara T'Soni. Dr. Liara T'Soni was next in line and the group of councilors performed the same actions with her. From the reports he had read Liara hadn't accompanied Shepard on the battlefield as much as Garrus, but the Dr. was an archeologist and had given the Commander vital intel to complete the mission. His eyes sought out Shepard again, but he couldn't see any change of stance or expression from before. So, he thought, the Asari was a comrade – perhaps even a friend, but not close enough to be a means to manipulate Shepard.

Next was the Krogan Wrex Urdnot. The reports had information on the Krogan, but they didn't help this man understand how Shepard had managed to get the Krogan to follow her. Somehow, Shepard had earned the trust and respect of a species known only for their ability to fight. His eyes glanced back at the stage. The councilors were having a hard time getting the medal on Wrex and he was certain that Shepard's grin widened ever so slightly. The difficulty was no only the Krogan's size, but the obvious nervousness of the councilors. In irritation, the Krogan grabbed the medal out of the councilor's hand and gave a dip of his large head. Shepard fidgeted ever so slightly and he wondered if she was trying to hold back laughter at the spectacle.

He looked at the screen as the group moved to the Quarian, Tali'zora. Her suit was covered with a beautiful fabric that lent an air of grace to the slightly-built woman. The Quarian's rarely had interaction with council races. They stayed mostly to themselves on their armada of rag-tag ships. He wondered again what there was about Shepard that had grabbed this Quarian's admiration and loyalty.

Now the councilor's moved to the Alliance crew that had been assigned to the Normandy, first under Captain Anderson and then Shepard. The pilot, Jeffrey "Joker" Moreau, had a beard that was thicker than allowed. He wondered at the man's audacity to so blatantly show his distain for regulations. Captain Anderson enthusiastically pumped the pilots hand in congratulations and must have said something to the helmsman because the younger man broke into a big smile. There was no sound wired from the stage, but the pilot's response was easy to lip read, "I'm the best." The reports were full of details of the pilot's extraordinary skills during the chase of Saren, but there was not much information on his relationship with Shepard. The pilot had taken the ship into several incredibly dangerous situations to save Shepard and her ground crew; situations that no pilot could be ordered to jeopardize the entire ship over. He suspected that a deep respect and loyalty on the part of the pilot for Shepard existed and he made a mental note to add that to his report.

He watched Shepard very closely as the group moved to present Lt. Kaidan Alenko's medal. The lieutenant was Shepard's second officer and a mainstay on her ground crew. He watched as her eyes slid to the side to watch the proceedings. He was too far away to be sure, but it appeared her face softened around the eyes and mouth. The small smile that had been plastered on her face for the entire ceremony seemed to become warmer and more genuine. Of the entire crew, Alenko appeared to be her weakest spot; the most likely person to target in order to manipulate Shepard. He was also the biggest threat to anyone trying to manipulate her. It was clear that she listened to his advice over all others. Alenko was highly decorated, a by-the-book kind of Marine with a deeply held moral code. It would be difficult, if not impossible, to get him to turn on the Alliance or Shepard.

With the presentations completed he exited the chambers with the throng of people who had come to watch. Only a small fraction would attend the reception. He made his way to the reception hall carefully moving among the people. No one noticed him and it was alarmingly easy for him to sneak into the reception. He had expected at least a small amount of convincing would be necessary.

He moved easily around the room, never staying too long in one spot and keeping a casual and random pattern to his movements. He watched as Shepard got a drink and spoke with each attendee that approached her.

A couple of the councilors made their way to Shepard and he watched as her carefully neutral expression slipped bit by tiny bit to irritation. It was subtle and the councilors didn't pick up on it, but he could see her control was starting to slip. Then Alenko moved silently behind her. He stood close enough to almost, but not quite, brush her back with his arm. It didn't appear that he said anything as he was looking to the side with her back to his right, but she instantly relaxed a little and regained control.

He couldn't help but scowl a little and covered it by taking a drink from his glass. That exchange was more than camaraderie, more than infatuation. He realized that Shepard and Alenko had, at some point, consummated their relationship. That was the unvocal communication between lovers.

He began to move again and his attention was suddenly caught by a Turian walking the other direction. It was Vakarian and the alien gave him a hard, icy stare as they passed by each other. The message was clear: I'm on to you and I'm watching. He grinned a bit as he moved behind a cluster of embassy employees.

He still had a view of Shepard, but was mostly hidden from her view. He watched as Vakarian moved close to her and said something into her ear. Shepard took a sip of her drink as she looked toward the people he stood behind. It was artfully done and if he hadn't been watching so closely he would have missed the fact that she found and identified him.

Shepard turned back to the Turian with a small smile and laid her hand on his arm as she said something to him. The Turian seemed unconvinced and shook his head slightly. Shepard merely moved casually away to the other side of the room. She leaned against a pillar and surveyed the room crowded with conversation, an expression of distant interest on her face.

He realized, with a little fissure of trepidation, that the time had come. He cautiously and casually moved and made his way around the room to the small area behind the pillars. He waited nervously in the shadows for several minutes, but finally Shepard came around the post she had been leaning against and scanned the shadowed area.

He took a few steps toward her until they were only separated by a couple of paces.

"Colonel," she said in an uncertain tone. She held herself stiffly, unsure.

Movement behind her caught his eye and he saw Alenko slip into the alcove. The man stood there ready, his weight on the balls of his feet. Clearly he would leap to Shepard's defense if required.

He turned his gaze back to Shepard. "Congratulations, Commander," he said quietly. She didn't move and he moved his arms out slightly as he took another step toward her.

Shepard instantly relaxed and moved in to hug him. "Thanks, dad," she whispered, her voice thick, as his arms pulled her into the hug.

"Your mom is so sorry she couldn't get here," he told her as he rubbed her back.

"I know. She wrote me." She didn't move to break the hug and he realized it had been years since he'd embraced his little girl. When was the last time? He was pretty sure it was just after the Skyllian Blitz and she had been an emotional pile-up.

He continued to hold her as he raised his eyes to the man standing behind her. Alenko had moved a couple steps closer, but hung back; the tension had eased from his stance. He caught the younger man's gaze and held it firmly. _You take care of my little girl. If you hurt her I will tear you apart in a thousand different ways_. He sent the silent message across the distance. Alenko's posture stiffened, almost standing at attention, as he returned the gaze. With deep gravity Alenko nodded to him.

Satisfied he squeezed Deidre once more before pulling back to look at her. She blinked a couple of times and let out a sigh as she composed herself. "Is he good for you?" he asked her seriously.

Shepard looked at him and he could see the conviction and love in her eyes. "Yes. He is," she said simply.

"Your mom and I are taking a vacation in four months. It would be great if you could join us. If you'd like to bring a friend that would be fine."

"That would be great," she said happily.

He nodded and touched her hair. "I'm still officially on assignment, so I better go. I just wanted to let you know how proud we are of you. Take care, baby."

Shepard took his hand and squeezed as she granted him her dazzling smile. "I will, dad. You be careful."

He quickly kissed her cheek and moved to leave. He turned back just before going around the pillar and saw Alenko walk up to her. They briefly held hands and shared a long, loving look at each other before switching back to professional mode and stepping out of the alcove. He was relieved that there was someone to watch over his little girl and love her like she deserved.


	4. Bequest

Mother,

The awards are done and the Citadel is getting back to normal. My arm is healed and the Normandy has been given a new assignment.

Everything is going well. But, I keep thinking back to the moment before we went through the relay to stop Saren. We had no idea what would happen or if we would survive. It occurred to me that I had left too many things unsaid to too many people. I want to correct that, but I don't really know how to do it.

I have my will on file with the Alliance and of course everything goes to you and dad. That's how it should be. I don't have many personal items. My medals, some old books that I love and a few model ships are really all there are.

But this isn't about possessions. I realized in those few minutes how much I had changed since joining the Normandy. How much my crew came to mean to me and how they had become almost family; the Normandy felt like home. I'd never experienced that level of…camaraderie, I guess, with any other assignment.

I don't think I ever let you and dad know how much I appreciate how you raised me. Despite what I said when I was a teenager, I always felt special and loved. It was hard always moving between posts and parents and sometimes I felt like a gypsy, but you both taught me so much and made me the woman I am. Thank you.

I never really made friends as a kid and never felt the need for any since joining the military. The professional relationships were more than satisfying enough to me. I was never lonely and actually treasured the solitude between missions. At least, that is how I used to be. It is different now; I'm different.

The people I've served with and led on the Normandy have become very dear to me. I have learned who they are – their likes and their fears. I have come to care for them. This is very new to me and sometimes it scares me. Not only do I know about them, but they have come to know me in a way that no one else ever has. I think they might see me as more than just their commanding officer, too.

I can't even pinpoint when it happened. I started out on the Normandy as I have on every other assignment. I would talk to my teammates and learn enough about them to gauge their strengths and weaknesses to use on the battlefield. But somewhere in there I actually began to care about what they said and how they felt. Beyond the field and more than professionally.

I think I first realized this after Ashley Williams' death. It was my decision and I wrestled with the emotion of that, but what really got to me was that I _missed_ her. I truly missed our conversations and her sense of humor. Now, even months later, I think of her with a sense of loss. I regret that she didn't know I considered her a friend. I almost felt like she was a sister. It was so devastating to have to leave her on Virmire. It was the right choice for the mission, but I didn't realize just how deeply it would affect me. I don't know that I'll ever get over it.

Since the showdown on the Citadel I've come to realize just how much the others also mean to me and I don't want to leave that unsaid. But I have no idea how to tell impossible mission is over and we are heroes. We have a new mission (even if it's not the one we should be doing) and now doesn't seem to be the time to speak of such feelings. I am their Commanding Officer. Telling them how I feel seems unprofessional, I guess.

So I guess I'm writing you in the hope that if something happens to me you can pass on to each of them what they mean to me. Does this seem cowardly? I'm not sure, but I hope you will do this for me.

Each of them has a unique impact on me, but three in particular have become my pillars of strength. The ones I count on most to have my back and to set me straight when I'm off-track. I have revealed more of myself to them than I ever have in my life. It's kind of scary how much I trust them.

I'm sure you can guess that the first one is Kaidan Alenko. He is such an incredible man, mom. I think I might be falling in love with him. I almost told him that the other day, but I couldn't do it. I can't imagine how empty my life would be without him. I can tell him my frustrations and fears and he _understands_. He doesn't judge me and he always has a way of making me feel better; stronger. Just talking to him can make me feel better. I can't wait until you meet him on our vacation.

Joker and Garrus are the other ones that I have the closest relationships with. They are so different from each other and yet they share a cynical sense of humor with me. Neither of them pull any punches when they speak to me, which I appreciate. That isn't to say they are insubordinate (well, I guess by definition they are) as they follow my orders without hesitation. But I can depend on them to tell me when to get off my ass if I need it. I would be dead so many times over without them.

Hopefully I will be able to overcome my issues and tell each of them how I feel, but I wanted to leave this with you to make sure they know if anything happens to me.

If I were to die tomorrow I wouldn't regret a thing and I know that this is the best group of people I'll ever have the honor of knowing, serving with, or being able to call friends.

Love,

Deidre Shepard


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